The tl;dr highlight version of this past quarter is:
· I got SMILE eye surgery (best decision ever)
· Left Bali and moved to Phnom Penh
· Video Husky has a new website and grew 70% revenue wise compared to last quarter
· Studied 143 hours of Japanese (much harder than French was)
· Launched this blog
With that said, life’s more than just the highlights so I also wanted to share three big lessons that I’ve learned in the past quarter.
Own your shortcomings.
Breakups are hard.
Regardless of why it didn’t work out, when it happened or how it progressed; even if it’s the right thing to do, there’s no escaping the pain of breaking things off somebody you care about. When we go through breakups, we lose a part of our identity, and I think the only way to get past that is to grieve, reflect, and let things get better on their own time.
Yet while it’s never fun going through difficult times, it’s times like these that we get to know ourselves better and grow as a result. No two people are 100% compatible for each other, so we compromise, hoping that the sacrifice we made is worth the person with whom you share a part of your life. While being a part of something bigger than yourself can be beautiful, if it means either party is compromising his or her values in order make the relationship work, then it’s only a matter of time before hard conversations will have to happen.
Going through this made me realize how challenging and unyielding I can be as a person and partner. I like having things done my way and I didn’t quite realize how big of a toll that takes on the people around me. This was particularly difficult to admit when it was pointed out, but I have a selfish streak and since I don’t want to change, it’s a truth that I (and the people in my life) have to accept about myself. So, the first lesson I learned this quarter is:
Own your shortcomings…they define you as much as your strengths.
You don’t know what you don’t know.
While the beginning of the quarter was rough, things have progressively gotten better. Moving down to Phnom Penh was an easy choice. Between the tight expat community, the friends who I wanted to spend time with and a low cost of living, life in Phnom Penh so far hasn’t disappointed.
One of my favorite things about moving to a new city is that it forces me to meet new people. With that said, the social scene and experience is different to living in Chiang Mai and Bali. Where most expats there were digital nomads like me, most people here have a more traditional lifestyle and so getting to know people has been an interesting experience. In Chiang Mai especially it was easy to connect over the online work and remote lifestyle that connects most nomads, but in Phnom Penh I’ve had to learn to stop talking so much about work and instead find other points to connect on.
Restarting salsa and learning bachata has been especially helpful in this area. A good number of new friends and memories came from the lessons and Latin nights, so I’m glad that there’s a community here. In one of my favorite blog posts “Jason Cohen, founder of WPEngine, defined the “Big Things” in life as:
· Kids
· Spouse
· Social Life
· Major Hobby
· Startup
· Job
And stated that “The rule of life is: You can have two “Big Things” in your life, but not three.” The idea is we all only have a limited amount of time and energy, so to do something well we have to sacrifice something else. Kids and job aside since I’ve never had either, this usually meant giving up a social life and the opportunity to develop a major hobby in order to do well with my businesses and romantic relationships because I could see exactly how that would benefit me whereas the gains from more friends and hobbies seemed intangible and inconsequential.
Between my introverted nature and an upbringing that emphasized achievement, it’s no surprise that things played out this way. With that said, a part of me does wonder how life would be different if I had put more effort towards developing new hobbies and budding friendships earlier. A year ago I would have dismissed learning salsa as a waste of time, but reality is it has brought more to my life than I could have imagined when I first started, so the second lesson that I learned this quarter is:
You don’t know what you don’t know…just don’t let that stop you.
Value yourself.
The impact of dancing in my life though goes so far beyond just the relationships and memories created. A couple years ago in a candid conversation with a few guys about what we feared most, it turns out we all had the same answer, “That we wouldn’t be good enough.” While we can’t extrapolate this response to represent the entire male population, I’d be surprised if a lot of guys didn’t feel that. Whether that’s earning money, winning games or getting girls our worth is judged on our competence; to be able to produce and results. It’s easy to joke about a fragile male ego, but it’s only funny because it’s real and served a purpose. Back in the day if a guy couldn’t contribute to his family or tribe, the rejection, humiliation and social ostracization probably meant the death of him and his loved ones.
While my situation of course wasn’t anywhere near so dire, my first night dancing in Phnom Penh reminded me of how painful being incompetent can be. Unsurprisingly after four months of not dancing and jumping straight into a new environment, that first night didn’t go well. I couldn’t get on beat, forgot all the moves that I had previously learned and ended the night being told I sucked. Given salsa isn’t something that I’m super confident about, that last part was galling. While the appropriate response would’ve been to tell her that at one point she sucked too, I couldn’t help but feel she was right, left shortly afterwards and because of how humiliated I felt, almost never went back.
Thankfully I did. Again, and again, each time getting just a little bit better. It was still awkward, but I met nicer people. Fast forward a couple of months, even though I’m still a relative beginner, nowadays I know each dance night I’ll have a good time which I’m glad about. With that said, I don’t think the big difference between that first night and now wasn’t about a change in skill, but rather a change in perspective.
Between the outright rejections, numerous mistakes and “so you only know three moves?” awkward looks, the seven months that I’ve danced have been the some of the most embarrassing times of my life. Painful as they were though, each dance forced me to confront and get comfortable with my incompetence, to forgive and laugh at my ineptitude, and as a result, slowly separate my self-worth from the need to be good enough.
Going through all this forced a realization – that I associated my self-worth with the emotions that I was feeling at any given moment. If something positive happened, then my self-worth rose; conversely as can be seen from my dancing experience above, if something negative happened, my self-worth would plummet. While it’s normal to feel good or abashed about ourselves depending on the situation, for the longest time I used this belief as a tool to motivate myself to become “better”. By shaming myself for not being good enough, I could find the fire to work harder, longer, faster; compelling myself in the name of progress and improvement.
But while that fire provided the fuel to push, I was also burned by it. By compromising my self-worth so I feel shit enough about myself to be motivated to work, for years I reinforced the belief that I’m not good enough, feeding into what I feared most. But thanks to dancing, instead of trying to prove myself worthy by becoming amazing at everything and guilt-tripping myself when that’s not the case, I’ve started coming to terms that there are a few things that I’ll be good at, some that I’ll be OK at, and accepting that I’ll always be lacking in so many more. Seven short months aren’t going to change to a lifetime of conditioning, but I’m glad I’ve begun unlearning that belief and hopefully in the coming years, appreciating myself for who I am, flaws and all. And so, the biggest lesson that I’ve learned this quarter:
Value yourself…you’re worth it.